Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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