Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
