Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
