so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
