he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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