a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
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