When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
