I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
