i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
