he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
