Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
