I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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