Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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