Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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