i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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