Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
