so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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