Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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