Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
