So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
