I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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