don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
