Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
