apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
