he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
