Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
