Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
