Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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