So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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