I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
