can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
