talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
