I need help removing her.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
