I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When are your genitals available?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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