We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
