Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
