I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
