A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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