2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
