I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
