I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize