the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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