rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just had sex bonerless
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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