I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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