Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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