it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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