We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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