does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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