My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
