It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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